So basically my mood has been like this all day:
"Yay, today will be a good day, I have no urge to eat." *sips coffee*
I go to doctor. Basically he thinks my birthmark looks great, maybe he could do more. All I'm thinking in my head is how bad it looks. I don't say anything. Show him what I want done to my chin. He says he doesn't think I need it. He takes a picture of me and puts it on his computer and shows what a chin implant would do. Basically the most ugly pic I have ever seen of myself in my whole life. I want to die. The chin implant hardly makes a difference, I'm still the ugliest thing on the planet. I don't really say anything. I just nod. He's like, "You want to think it over?" I nod. He send me to the makeup artist who will make me makeup to cover my birthmark, because he thinks I just don't like the color. Even though it's the shape I don't like and I don't care about the color. But I don't say anything. But mom has to go to work so she doesn't make the makeup. During all of this time from seeing my pic on the screen, I have felt like I was about to cry. We leave and I just start bawling in the car. I complain a bit, insult myself as always. Mom gets mad at me. This was about 11 or so in the morning. Get home, mom drives off to work. I try to do school work, can't focus, crying, upset. Nothing but hateful thoughts in my mind. I keep thinking to eat something but I don't because I want to lose weight. Even though it doesn't matter how fat or skinny I am because I will always look ugly. I am so ugly, in fact, that not even plastic surgery can make me look acceptable. This thought just makes me so mad. I can hardly move I am so upset, depressed, angry. I sleep all day until my mom gets home after 6. She eats lasagna for dinner, I say just make me a piece. And I eat it. And then I eat more shit. And more shit. And more. And more. My stomach is so full. Mom goes to pick up dad. I make myself popcorn, eat an apple while the corn pops. Eat the popcorn. Parents get home. Finish popcorn. Eat another cereal bar. Drink tea. Eat a different cereal bar. Parents are home and see me eating too much. Mom says, "Why don't you just stop?" "I CAN'T!!! Dont' you get it.." I scream back. I ask her to make me more lasagna and she tells me to wait for tomorrow. I say, "NO. Because I am not eating until at least Sunday."
So it's out. She knows I'm having problems again because I can't keep my fat ugly mouth shut.
I just got out of the shower. Purged most of it. Weighed myself before and was 123. Weighed myself when I got out and I was 119.4.
Basically, I don't know what to do. Will weigh myself as soon as I wake up. To regain focus. It's always when I don't know my weight that I seem to lose control. God dammit. I am just so mad right now. Let me vent more.
I basically just want to hurt myself all the time. But instead of doing something daring like cutting where I'd actually feel something, I hit myself with my fists on my head. I bite my hands. I wish I had brain-damage so that I could not feel anything.
It seems that nothing I want matters to anyone but me anymore. I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong that means I can not get anything. No Jason Mraz concert, no friends, no boyfriend obviously, no modeling, no acting, no voice lessons, no money. Oh and to add to it, I already hate myself enough: not pretty, actually the ugliest person I know; horrible personality, nobody likes her and she is so socially anxious that she can't communicate when she needs to (this includes being too scared to answer the phone or the door and instead running to her room); not smart or capable enough to do anything worthwhile in her life. Oh, and she can't even fucking control what she eats.
I can't even watch TV or movies or listen to music or look at art anymore without being upset because I am just overcome with jealousy and self-hatred because I am not pretty, smart, outgoing, talented enough to do those things that I aspire to do.
