"Yay, today will be a good day, I have no urge to eat." *sips coffee*
I go to doctor. Basically he thinks my birthmark looks great, maybe he could do more. All I'm thinking in my head is how bad it looks. I don't say anything. Show him what I want done to my chin. He says he doesn't think I need it. He takes a picture of me and puts it on his computer and shows what a chin implant would do. Basically the most ugly pic I have ever seen of myself in my whole life. I want to die. The chin implant hardly makes a difference, I'm still the ugliest thing on the planet. I don't really say anything. I just nod. He's like, "You want to think it over?" I nod. He send me to the makeup artist who will make me makeup to cover my birthmark, because he thinks I just don't like the color. Even though it's the shape I don't like and I don't care about the color. But I don't say anything. But mom has to go to work so she doesn't make the makeup. During all of this time from seeing my pic on the screen, I have felt like I was about to cry. We leave and I just start bawling in the car. I complain a bit, insult myself as always. Mom gets mad at me. This was about 11 or so in the morning. Get home, mom drives off to work. I try to do school work, can't focus, crying, upset. Nothing but hateful thoughts in my mind. I keep thinking to eat something but I don't because I want to lose weight. Even though it doesn't matter how fat or skinny I am because I will always look ugly. I am so ugly, in fact, that not even plastic surgery can make me look acceptable. This thought just makes me so mad. I can hardly move I am so upset, depressed, angry. I sleep all day until my mom gets home after 6. She eats lasagna for dinner, I say just make me a piece. And I eat it. And then I eat more shit. And more shit. And more. And more. My stomach is so full. Mom goes to pick up dad. I make myself popcorn, eat an apple while the corn pops. Eat the popcorn. Parents get home. Finish popcorn. Eat another cereal bar. Drink tea. Eat a different cereal bar. Parents are home and see me eating too much. Mom says, "Why don't you just stop?" "I CAN'T!!! Dont' you get it.." I scream back. I ask her to make me more lasagna and she tells me to wait for tomorrow. I say, "NO. Because I am not eating until at least Sunday."
So it's out. She knows I'm having problems again because I can't keep my fat ugly mouth shut.
I just got out of the shower. Purged most of it. Weighed myself before and was 123. Weighed myself when I got out and I was 119.4.
Basically, I don't know what to do. Will weigh myself as soon as I wake up. To regain focus. It's always when I don't know my weight that I seem to lose control. God dammit. I am just so mad right now. Let me vent more.
I basically just want to hurt myself all the time. But instead of doing something daring like cutting where I'd actually feel something, I hit myself with my fists on my head. I bite my hands. I wish I had brain-damage so that I could not feel anything.
It seems that nothing I want matters to anyone but me anymore. I don't understand what I'm doing so wrong that means I can not get anything. No Jason Mraz concert, no friends, no boyfriend obviously, no modeling, no acting, no voice lessons, no money. Oh and to add to it, I already hate myself enough: not pretty, actually the ugliest person I know; horrible personality, nobody likes her and she is so socially anxious that she can't communicate when she needs to (this includes being too scared to answer the phone or the door and instead running to her room); not smart or capable enough to do anything worthwhile in her life. Oh, and she can't even fucking control what she eats.
I can't even watch TV or movies or listen to music or look at art anymore without being upset because I am just overcome with jealousy and self-hatred because I am not pretty, smart, outgoing, talented enough to do those things that I aspire to do.
Even though I purged my stupid binge last night, I'm still scared to weigh. Just trying to stick to liquids today (black coffee, tea, water).
Ugh I will leave for my appt at the surgeon's today. Anxious.
Sorry I didn't get to responding to comments on my blog so fast yesterday. I was practicing for SAT. I don't know when I'll take it. I already missed out on taking the PSAT. How important is the PSAT? Am I screwed over now because I missed it? I guess I could always take it next year if I need to, even though you are supposed to take it before the SAT?
Colleges that I really want to go to for an art major: Pratt, Parsons, NYU...
But because of my dumb grades in middle and high school when I had truancy because of social anxiety, I doubt I'll be able to get into any of them with my luck. Great job, me. I think all of that stress, thinking about future, is what led me off-track and to the binge yesterday. My focus was in the wrong place.
SO basically even with plastic surgery I'm always going to be UGLY. FUCKING UGLY. That's how ugly I am. Surgery can't even fix my screw up of a face. No matter how thin I get I will be UGLY. And I will always have this damn birth mark on my stomach and it will always be stupid and gross and I'll never be happy and yeah basically WHY AM I EVEN ALIVE.
Oh and fuck my intake. Making a new blog about this disastrous day.
Couldn't sleep last night. Was up worrying again, like many nights, except moreso this time because my appointment is tomorrow, about whether or not I'll be able to get mentoplasty.
I really want this chin surgery. An implant. I've always hated my face, and I always thought it had to do with my nose. But I edited a photo of me that was in profile, and I realized, it wasn't the nose itself, but how large my nose looked in proportion to my face because my chin was indented. Evidently it is called a 'button' chin. I hate it. If any of you is interested in seeing the pic I edited, feel free to ask. I may post a private post with it. I stayed up hours last night, worrying intensely that when I am speaking to the doctor that I will say the wrong thing and he will decide I am not suitable for the surgery. Also worried about money, parental permission, etc...
Anyhow, it is freezing in this house! And I have to sleep downstairs because my room is about 15 degrees cooler than anywhere else in the house because it has poor insulation.
Cereal w/ soymilk - ~250 (regretting this, I almost had another bowl, but I stopped myself by making tea)
Tea, tea, and more tea - 0
Annie Chun's Miso Soup - 220
And then binged about 1500+ cals, then purged most of that. Don't you love being alive.
Won tickets to see Conan in NYC on Nov. 2. I love him. <3 He's the only late-night talk I watch. Mom will take me. I hope this works out. If it doesn't, well, I'll just be even less alive inside.
Dad is being a fucking jerk as always right now and I want to kill him as always. Just seeing his face makes my whole body feel like it is about to explode out of anger. It's funny how every single day the only thing I kind think of my dad is literally fantasies of taking one of our kitchen knives and stabbing his heart and twisting... Yeah. It's kind of obsessive but I'm not stupid enough to do it. :| I just don't want to be near him. I refuse to be in the same car as him, because I can't be in the same house within him, even different rooms, without screaming at him and wanting to myself to die. But for some reason he's not letting me leave the house AT ALL until I go out with him and mom, together. The last time I was in the car with him my mom almost got into a wreck because things were so crazy. I hate this. So stupid.
This morning my bro got into a teabag that I had accidentally left out last night and my mom was sleeping. My dad was downstairs and kept yelling, screaming, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU KARI? WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR MOM? DAMN IT WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING? WAKE UP!" Like it was all her fault, and he can't even take care of damned spilled tea by himself. He's so helpless yet he has all the control in the family, even without a driver's license. I hate him so much. The way he treats my mom especially. Myself, I can deal with because I have 'ana' to comfort me. But then seeing everything else he does, and it makes me go crazy.
The sound of his voice three rooms away behind closed doors is enough to put me on edge. But of course, I'll have to live with him for like another year and a half unless I can somehow convince one of you girls on here to take me away and have me live with you. :( I keep wishing I could meet some of you in real life, just so I could have friends. Specifically, friends that I have stuff in common with. If any of you guys throw any parties in southeastern Pennsylvania area or something, if you could pick me up and we could go somewhere... I don't care how dangerous and risky that sounds. It's what I want.
Coffee - 0
Lara Bar - 220
Small piece of pumpkin pie - ~300
Weighed at 119.8. Not too upset. There was no gain even after pigging out last night and starting my period. I hope to be down to 119 flat tomorrow.